Bleak unemployment numbers sent a wave of applause cascading through the headquarters of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign

Report On Continuing Plight Of Millions Of Unemployed Americans Results In Round Of High-Fives At Romney Campaign Headquarters http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-on-continuing-plight-of-millions... Mitt's staff was saying... the dismal economic forecast is cause for "great celebration." MItt was saying.. "Great work, guys," the candidate said between fund-raising events. "Let's build on this." Mitt also was saying... When finally reached by phone, Romney told campaign workers that while the dreary news for the nation's job market was certainly a victory, there was still a lot more work to be done. July 2, 2012 | ISSUE 48•27 BOSTON—Bleak unemployment numbers released Wednesday reportedly sent a wave of applause cascading through the headquarters of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign, with staffers rejoicing at news that millions of jobless Americans will continue to face crippling debt and emotional hardship as the election draws near. Calling the Labor Department report a "major boost" for the campaign, sources confirmed the grim economic data and deeply troubling descent of unemployed Americans into utter financial ruin spurred a round of high-fives among Romney aides, followed by repeated hoots, hollers, and whistles. "Yes!" said senior strategist Stuart Stevens, slamming his hand triumphantly on his desk while scanning recent household survey figures that confirm recovery of the labor markets remains discouragingly slow. "Are you guys seeing this? Someone go make copies. I want everyone to see this right now." "Has anyone told Mitt yet?" he added as news spread from cubicle to cubicle along with fresh bursts of cheering. "Tell [senior adviser] Beth [Meyers] to put him on speakerphone. He's going to totally flip out." According to sources, campaign workers slapped each other on the back in giddy delight as Stevens explained that as far as voters and the media were concerned, the latest unemployment figures would firmly supersede any earlier data suggesting the economy had experienced modest growth. Stevens then added, with an audible chuckle, that the report's grim statistical portrait of a nation plagued by planned layoffs, plummeting consumer confidence levels, and a stubbornly high number of jobless claims "should hopefully deal a pretty good blow" to President Barack Obama's job-creation platform. "We got [Romney's] voice-mail," Meyers shouted while holding a cell phone over her head. "On the count of three, I want everyone to make as much noise as they can." "One…two…three—Wooooooo!" she added. Sources noted that Romney headquarters had not experienced such a palpable sense of optimism since employers added a disappointing 69,000 jobs in May, a "pleasantly surprising" dip in the labor market that made staffers realize they "definitely have a shot at winning this thing." "I believe a celebration is in order," director of speech-writing Lindsay Hayes reportedly told a group of ecstatic college interns before exchanging broad, delighted smiles with press secretary Andrea Saul. "Drinks after work. Be there or be square, folks." The campaign called the timing of Wednesday's report ideal, as it followed a string of "pretty bad setbacks," including last winter's three months of solid economic growth, which raised morale for millions of struggling workers; Congress' decision in February to extend long-term jobless benefits; and recent reports that new houses are being built at the fastest rate in years. "They said the road would be tough, but Mitt always said things would turn around, and he was right," an emotional Stevens told colleagues, holding up the report on the nation's moribund economy. "This just goes to show that great things can happen if you keep the faith." When finally reached by phone, Romney told campaign workers that while the dreary news for the nation's job market was certainly a victory, there was still a lot more work to be done.

Comments

justme's picture

What an idiot he is. Celebrate lack of jobs. *rolling eyes* Jeez.... how stupid can you get?
JR Harris's picture

While I do agree that this is something that Mitt Romney would most likely think, I doubt if he is dumb enough to say it out loud. The Onion is not a reputable "News Source", but humor is a good way to get ideas out to the public. I believe "The Onion" has also written a few pieces on Alcoholics Anonymous.....
The Onion is an American news satire organization. It is an entertainment newspaper and a website featuring satirical articles reporting on international, national, and local news, in addition to a non-satirical entertainment section known as The A.V. Club. It claims a national print circulation of 400,000 and says 61 percent of its web site readers are between 18 and 44 years old.[2][4] Since 2007, the organization has been publishing satirical news audios and videos online, as the "Onion News Network".[5] Web traffic on theonion.com amounts to some 7.5 million unique visitors per month.[6]
Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_onion

~You can not moderate the truth. Just don't lie, steal or make stuff up out of thin air and expect to get away with it without it being pointed out to you. It's really very simple.~

justme's picture

I didn't notice the source. The Onion! Hah! Too fricking funny! No wonder. They made him out to be the idiot that he is. I'm laughing aloud! I love The Onion... their videos are a riot!
JR Harris's picture

The Onion taken seriously - Upon occasion, the straight-faced manner in which The Onion reports non-existent happenings has resulted in third parties mistakenly citing The Onion stories as real news. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_onion#The_Onion_taken_seriously

~You can not moderate the truth. Just don't lie, steal or make stuff up out of thin air and expect to get away with it without it being pointed out to you. It's really very simple.~

justme's picture

At first the link didn't work, now it works. More from The Onion Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself http://www.theonion.com/video/romney-to-travel-back-in-time-to-kill-libe... Hahahahaha!
jonnijoy's picture

They always come back lol
Trisha K.'s picture

JR, I knew you would recognize satire. You do the same thing when it comes to documenting AA's history, Riiiiight!!!!
“The more I traveled the more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” Shirley MacLaine
Trisha K.'s picture

JR Harris is an OPF satirist member reporting AA's history.
“The more I traveled the more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” Shirley MacLaine
Trisha K.'s picture

duplicate..
“The more I traveled the more I realized that fear makes strangers of people who should be friends.” Shirley MacLaine