Those of us left behind

beautifulmind's picture
Submitted by beautifulmind on Tue, 06/21/2011 - 12:27

Forums:

This is sort of an intro for me since there is no intro forum. I am the sole member of my family who never became an alcoholic or drug addict. I currently have three family members active in AA. Just over the last few years I have seriously begun to question this program and how it has affected my family. I found orange papers a little over a year ago and was so relieved to see other, even people who were in the program, questioning the validity and effectiveness of AA. I am not going into the long drawn out version of my experiences with all of this. I have an aunt who has been in the program for over 35 years who has become one of the "guru's". You can imagine the exposure and indoctrination I have had.

At this point in my life, having spent years healing from all of the abuse and manipulation, after acknowledging my valid questions and problems with AA have decided to no longer permit AA nor alcoholism run my life through my family members. As a result, as I am sure you can expect, rejection was inevitable by my family members. I honestly feel as though I have lost my family and any chance of us all really healing to a cult.

I joined this forum to learn from those of you who have been alcoholics, have been in AA and yet found a way to recover despite AA through other means. I am not going to lie. I still have a TON of resentment for those about choosing to drink to escape and choosing AA and living the victim/disease "powerless" lie. But maybe you will give me some greater insight about you so that I can be more understanding? And maybe it will be good for me to be here amongst you to get the perspective of those of us on the outer circles of these experiences?

I am also hoping to connect with others who have been "left behind" (I'm thinking about those religious fictional books atm and having a little laugh too so I am not coming from a place of "poor me") so that maybe we can support one another and help our friends and family members find better ways for recovery.

To admin: would it be possible to have a seperate section for us "outsiders"? Also, how do those of you with a history of alcoholism and AA feel about having a "normie" around?

istj04

Tue, 06/21/2011 - 12:59

I do not think there are any "outsiders" here, when it comes to "questioning", ridiculing, and currying up support for ANY, non-12-Step form of addiction treatment! There are no "insiders" or "outsiders" here, just people who recognize 12-Steppism for the psychological, sado-masochistic cult that it is, that continues to perpetrates itself in intelligent society! Jump into to whatever topic you wish, add your own, and let the discussion go where it may!

beautifulmind's picture

beautifulmind

Tue, 06/21/2011 - 14:35

I appreciate the welcome. I could write a book. I may actually do that someday. The worst things I have seen AA do to my family members and many people who I would have called friends that I met throughout the years going through AA is that it enables a transference of addiction and it keeps the member from every really getting to the core of the problems they were escaping from in the first place. As a result, this avoidance would manifest in multitudes of destructive behaviors. Everything from them living a jeckle and hyde existence - one moment preaching about spirituality to the next minute them becoming an abusive tyrant.

I spent a good portion of my life feeling greatful this program existed just to have family members sober and then beating myself up for questioning the program when things were repeatedly going wrong and causing problems for them and for those of us connected to them.

I was wondering of some of you could tell me your experience of being fully hooked and immersed in 12 step programs just where your heads were at? I really want to know what compells people to be duped by this cult for decades like my aunt. I need to know and I also need to know what snapped you back into reality and took you on a path to true wellness?

flannigan

Wed, 06/22/2011 - 08:22

Truth is one of the best jumpstarters to reality. And truth is the deadly enemy of any cult. We all have choices to make in this world, we make them and live with the consequences until we undo that choice and make another, and then live those consequences. And on and on. This is life; there is no escape. But isn't making choices based on truth far superior to choices made on illusion? The choice is yours.

msafrany

Wed, 06/22/2011 - 18:37

beautifulmind. As the story goes, I lost everything to addiction at a very young age, including my mind. All I could think of was the next high and I would rather die young getting high than live a long boring sober life. Then I had my moment of clarity, my spiritual experience, and have not wanted to touch anything since. I related this experience to the spiritual awakening in the 12 Steps. I became an enthusiastic true believer and remained active in AA for 20 years! Did it all, home groups, service work, praying through the steps with the newcomers. Read the Orange Papers for the first time in 2001. I related to some things Orange wrote, like the 13 Stepping going on, the money vultures. BUT I BELIEVED THE 12 STEPS WERE MAINTAINING MY SPIRITUAL CONDITION I SUPPOSEDLY ACQUIRED WHEN I FIRST GOT SOBER. And Orange simply didn't understand that. Slowly over the next decade I realized more and more that somehow 20 years ago I accepted the fact that I couldn't drink anymore. That's it. The ultimate truth: People that don't drink stay sober 100% of the time! It seems that 3-5% of drinkers eventually understand that. I was not sober because I was rigorously honest, was in fit spiritual condition, or because I had confessed ALL my sins (although I did do that a few times).
It really took years and years for it to sink in. But something else happened during the last couple years also. The meetings were becoming absolutely intolerable for me to sit through. The bullcrap, the hypocricy, the same things said over and over and over. I finally hit bottom (really), and at 20 years sober and 43 years old, I said there is no way I can sit through these meetings 20 more years. I have to move on!
So now I have over a year without ANY AA contact, the last thing I did was close my Facebook account. Once you distance yourself, it is amazing how it all seems like total voodoo nonsense. And I no longer have that yucky feeling I got from going to AA.
I wish you and your family the best, and good luck. I feel the same way about friends I had to leave behind too my friend. It seems they cannot be reached.

Orange's picture

Orange

Fri, 06/24/2011 - 12:34

@beautifulmind:
About the question of why people stay in A.A., or in any cult, we have discussed that a few times before.

And the answer is, "A.A. is different things to different people. So there are a bunch of different answers to that question."

Some of the true believers in meetings just want company, and they want their favorite superstitions validated by hearing other people saying the same things. Many of them fear that they will die without A.A. And they also fear that they will relapse and die drunk if they don't go recruiting and get new members. Others think that they have the panacea, and they just have to go share their magical cure with the rest of the alcoholics. And some old-timers just love being a puffed-up big frog in a small pond.

I put together some lists of the reasons why people stay in cults, here:

http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-letters3.html#why_cult
http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-letters107.html#why_cult
http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-letters40.html#LauriJean

On the other hand, there are leaders at the top who get money, sex, power, status, and fame out of it. There have been some hard-core A.A. cult leaders getting exposed in the news as rapists in the last couple of years. Their goal is obviously something other than spirituality.

http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-letters85.html#Midtown_links